An inconvenience rightly considered

It's that time again.
The time when the temperature warms, the humidity rolls in, and all cockroaches worth their salt search for comfy homes inside Japanese houses.
Spiders too are coming out. Both spiders and cockroaches have very short life expectancies in the vicinity of my house but even so, they keep trying to move in.

The war has begun.

Thus far the battles have been four and though we were routed once, we have managed to emerge victorious in the end.
I will here give account of the combat.

Battle #1 - In which the enemy emerges.
I was sitting innocently on the couch reading when suddenly from the shadows I saw a large black cockroach emerge. He seemed to be doing some reconnaissance as he stood quietly near the wall and waved his antennae. Whether or not he was sending messages out to the hive I do not know. But quietly, oh so quietly, I tiptoed toward the door. After acquiring a suitable throwing object (a flip-flop) I moved into position. The enemy did not spot me until the missile was hurtling toward him, but sadly I am a bad sniper and I missed. The cockroach was on the run. Unbeknownst to him I had already closed off all exits so he was left with only one hiding place, underneath a low chair. I could tell that if I relied on my aim this battle could continue all night. It was time for heavier artillery... and reinforcements.
I rolled out the vacuum, and called in my roommate Sara. She bravely took the weapon as I moved into the danger zone ready to flush the enemy from his hiding place.
We took a moment to steel ourselves, then looking at each other we both nodded - we knew what had to be done, even if it cost us our lives. I reached out and moved the chair. The cockroach ran out. He was headed straight for me. He was going to attack. He waved his sword in the air screaming cockroachian obscenities.
With her terrifying battlecry of "WOAH!" Sara swooped in with the vacuum and sucked the cockroach up with a satisfying 'thwoop' sound.
Thus was the enemy conquered.

Battle #2 - In which the enemy tries aerial attack.
Having lost their first attempt to gain a hold in our home, the cockroach council decided to hire mercenary soldiers.
It was evening and our house was quiet. I was reading in the living room, Sara was in the kitchen. Suddenly I heard her say "Ashley.... there's a spider hanging in the doorway." I came out to investigate this new intruder. Gently swaying the middle of the hall doorway was a spider. Clearly he had attempted to parachute onto Sara's head as she passed through the doorway, but the shortness of the doorway coupled with the shortness of Sara must have thrown off his calculations and he missed.
I thought about possible modes of attack. We couldn't hit him with something, because there was nothing to smush him against, only air. Neither of us were about to reach out and crush him with our hands... there are limits to bravery. So, feeling clever I got a book and, opening it to an unimportant page, planned to hold it under him and then slam it shut.
I approached, holding the book...but as I got closer it seemed the swaying creature could sense me. He'd probably be too fast for me if he knew I was coming.
Clearly we needed to re-evaluate our plan. Sara tried to lure him to a flat surface by blowing on him. He was unaffected by her brave attack.
He had blocked off our access to bug killing spray, which was in the laundry room. Using the vacuum again seemed like unnecessary waste of electricity. So I searched the living room closet for an alternative. It came in the form of Febreeze room freshener. We needed the enemy to die... drowning was as good a way as any. I handed Sara our new weapon.
Without ado she Febreezed the heck out of that spider. He landed as a soggy fresh smelling blob on the floor and was promptly flattened by the aforementioned book.
Victory #2. And our house now smelled lovely.

Battle #3 - In which we are routed, but our British ally saves us.
Realizing spiders are no match for our cleaning products the cockroaches next sent in one of their soldiers. This was no mere scout or hired para-spider, this was a big, fat, flying cockroach juggernaut.
We spotted him in our kitchen one evening as we were returning from dinner. He had found himself a good vantage point up in the far corner of our kitchen just above the refrigerator. Sara and I were accompanied by international allies from England and Japan, and so to maintain face we remained calm.
"Oh look, a cockroach" I may have said, letting the enemy know I had spotted him. The cockroach seemed unconcerned and simply waved his antennae in defiance. This time there was no discussion of Febreeze, we knew we had to roll out the big guns right away. I brought in the vacuum cleaner. Our ally from England, Simon, demonstrating extreme bravery volunteered to wield the weapon. He crept close, and then attacked. But the enemy was too fast! It ran down the wall and behind the fridge faster than we could follow. It remained in hiding for the next few minutes as we searched for it. Finally I spotted it, sitting in a corner, biding its time til it could attack. England attacked first. The cockroach ran out from behind the fridge and made a wild break for freedom by taking to the air. I regret to say America retreated very quickly, nearly flying ourselves, and Japan shut herself in the hall. With a cry of "For England and St.George!" Simon swung the vacuum cleaner around and sucked the cockroach up with a crunch.
Victory #3 was followed by a half hour of investigation inside the vacuum cleaner as to whether or not the enemy still lived. He did not.

Battle #4 - In which the enemy pitifully attempts to keep us from leaving home.
Clearly growing desperate now, this fourth attack was quite sloppy. I was about to leave one morning when I noticed a web strung just outside the doorway. What is this, a sneak attack? Did these creatures really think I wouldn't see their spider assassin hanging right in front of me? I was too smart for them. I not only saw him, but quickly lured him away from the center of his web toward the wall. He is now part of the wall.
That is all I will say about him.

And so the battle continues. We are considering posting the heads of our conquered enemies on toothpicks around the house as a warning to any who might try to follow in their footsteps.
But for now, the house is secure.


(note: Some small literary license may have been taken with these stories)